THE BAD 8 SUPERSIZE - Part VIII

MERCEDES-BENZ R-CLASS

Before I mock anybody whose weight has ballooned rapidly, I am reminded that thyroid issues - sometimes genetic trademarks - can do nasty things to a body. One mustn't always blame so-and-so's comfort food. 

Alas, the Mercedes-Benz R-Class has no thyroid and thus, no thryroid issues. It's just plain fat. Prepare yourself for the scales: R-Class curb weights start at 4,940 pounds and rise to at least 5,092. Forgiveness may be found for excess German girth - the GL-Class certainly deserves it - but this undefinable crossover/van/wagon should be much closer to 4K than 5K. 

R-Class fuel economy can be as poor as 15mpg in the city, says the EPA. Ride and handling are far from anything worth writing home about. Despite what may at first glance appear to be van proportions, a lack of sliding doors permits no van practicality. 

Besides, the R-Class is ugly. Awfully, terribly, woefully ugly.

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Alternatives: Mercedes-Benz GL-Class, Honda Odyssey, Mercedes-Benz E-Class wagon, Winnebago

Necessary Incentivizing To Switch To The Good 12 Supersize: $27,421 off the MSRP

Anything Else? Find me the purpose of the R-Class and by the 2010 Bad 8 Supersize, that purpose will probably be enough to shed this awful disaward from its reputation.

THE BAD 8 SUPERSIZE - Part VII

JEEP PATRIOT FWD 2.0L CVT

Just a few years ago, Chrysler executives (or perhaps Mercedes-Benz brass) realized that the primary Jeep buyer was usually of the male variety. This was a problem for Jeep. More and more often, women were/are the major decision maker in a vehicle purchase; sometimes the decider. If women weren't latching on to Jeeps, Jeep had to do something about it right?

Wrong. The result, as you see here, is Jeep emasculated. Front-wheel drive? A continuously variable transmission? Foundationally a car? 

This is the result of automakers branching out into territories unknown to them and unnecessary for them. Greed results in an overwhelming desire to become bigger, better, and more brazen. It gives you products like the future BMW X1 and the current BMW X6, the Pontiac Aztek and Ford Thunderbird. If business is running smoothly, there's no need to expand into product niches that are unacceptable to you and unwanted by your main customers.

Because, after all, when attempts are made to cater to a sector of the market that has, until now, rejected you, your company looks stupid. The Compass looks soft. Ironic, isn't it, because the Compass is soft. There are times when the Compass might make more sense, and that is why The Good Car Guy is specifying the FWD 2.0L CVT as a Bad 8 Supersize member, but even with all-wheel drive and some more power and a more aggressive body kit, the Compass bears too lofty a pricetag.

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Alternatives: Pink Barbie Corvette, Jeep Wrangler, Subaru Forester, Honda Fit

Necessary Incentivizing To Switch To The Good 12 Supersize: Buy 1 Compass, receive 50% off a Wrangler

Anything Else? Similar to the Compass but with slightly tougher looks, the squared off design of the Jeep Patriot saves it from Bad 8 Supersize contention.

THE BAD 8 SUPERSIZE - Part VI

HUMMER H2 SUT

Contrary to popular belief, a mid-gate doesn't guarantee a Good 12 Supersize victory. After being propped up in the Chevrolet Avalanche winning post and the Ford Explorer Sport Trac losing post, this Hummer H2 SUT and its mid-gate fail to engender love or passion. In fact, the Hummer H2 SUT does invoke passionate diatribes; 99.9% of the time in a very bad way. This be one of those times, senor.

Hummer H2's have little going for them. Horribly expensive, wretchedly impractical, excessively thirsty; terrible anti-social - these are the traits exemplified in a loud and audacious manner. With the H2 SUT, those same characteristics are taken up to 11. Bad news. Why, pray tell, is there even an attempt at a truck bed? Seriously. Pray tell.

Why do H2 SUT owners, rare though they may be, so freakin' frequently choose yellow? Because their choice of vehicle didn't speak loudly enough about their utter lack of inner confidence? Would you like to read some more questions for which The Good Car Guy provides no viewable answer; questions for which the answer is either completely obvious or unknown to manking? Or is the point that the Hummer H2 SUT sucks already clear? 

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Alternatives: prison cell, a rocky and barren and lonely small island, a Ford F150, or a Chevrolet Avalanche

Necessary Incentizing To Switch To The Good 12 Supersize: Not possible, man.

Anything Else? Yes, just frustration and shock that humanity, or some small cross-section of it, is interested in this vehicle.

THE BAD 8 SUPERSIZE - Part V

GMC YUKON DENALI

Imagine comparing good cars of the past with bad cars of the present. Take, for instance, the Nissan Versa sedan from The Bad 8 v2.0. Figure that ten years ago, the '99 Toyota Echo was a decent urban runabout. If you could possibly drive them back to back as new vehicles, the Versa would put the Echo to shame with its interior design and lack of NVH. However, the Versa must battle far better cars these days. Evolution is true; in this instance.

Realizing that, one must also be congnizant of current good vehicles - in this case that vehicle is the GMC Yukon Denali - which, because of competition - in this case from within the General Motors clan - are absolutely wretched purchases. GMC's own Yukon is cheaper and can do everything the Yukon Denali can, without some of the perky luxuries. Oh, luxury is what you want? Why not grab more power, prestige, and pomp and join the Cadillac family. The Escalade is a far better value. Desire ye pure large SUV capabilities? Try the Chevrolet dealership. The Tahoe or Suburban can muster as much qualifications in their resumes as the Yukon Denali, but they'll accept far less payment.

"It's what is on the inside that counts," your ma said. Inside and underneath it all, the Yukon Denali is a GMT900, same as the Tahoe; Suburban, Yukon; and Escalade. Only the Yukon Denali represents poor value where the others are steals and deals.

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Alternatives: Uh, how 'bout the Chevrolet Tahoe, GMC Yukon, and Cadillac Escalade

Necessary Incentivizing To Switch To The Good 12 Supersize: Considering the conspicuous absence of other GMT900's in the flock, quite a bit. $13-$15,000 off the sticker might do it.

Anything Else? Handling, power, refinement, styling, quality are all present and accounted for in GMC's Denali line. A proper pricing scheme is not, at least while Cadillac sells a screaming deal they call the Escalade.

THE BAD 8 SUPERSIZE - Part IV

FORD RANGER

Could it be that a truck will be punished by The Good Car Guy for being cheap? Of course, cheap has numerous definitions, one of which indicates something of little value or even devalued. See, Ford's Ranger won a GoodCarBadCar.net Top 5 for being the cheapest truck in America.

Now the Ranger is back in a place of prominence for, well... losing, and thus finding itself in The Bad 8 Supersize. One problem is that very thing, the fact that the Ford Ranger isn't supersized. Even small trucks have to grow up these days. Lacking power is problematic, too. Being not-at-all-too-pretty hurts. But most of all, the Ranger's downfall occurs because of refinement, the complete and total lack thereof. Drive a Ranger and discover (rather, try not to) noise, vibration, and harshness unlike any other new vehicle available in North America. Try to keep your head from hitting the roof after bumps and yumps. 

Sure, Ranger owners paid next to nothing for the dishonour of owning the Ford. They received next to nothing in exchange, however.

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Alternatives: 6 MacBook Pros, an iPod Touch & a bus pass, Toyota Tacoma, Nissan Cube

Necessary Incentivizing To Switch To The Good 12 Supersize: Buy 1 Ranger, receive 60% off an F150

Anything Else? Don't even attempt to suggest fuel savings make a Ranger purchase justifiable. If you want to save fuel and tote stuff around, any small wagon would save a lot more fuel.

THE BAD 8 SUPERSIZE - Part III

FORD EXPLORER SPORT TRAC

Interesting, you might find, to discover that a vehicle with a similar premise finds itself in The Good 12 Supersize and yet this, the Ford Explorer Sport Trac, sits in the dungeon. Do recall, however, that the Chevy Avalanche makes use of rather impressive truck architecture. The Explorer ST doesn't. The Avalanche looks good. The Explorer ST doesn't. The Avalanche heads up anybody's list of super-practical trucks because of the General Motors mid-gate. The EST doesn't. 

Besides, the Explorer Sport Trac lacks desirability because it is what it is. Who wants a fairly useless pickup that's based on out-of-date SUV which is itself based on engineering that Ford is actually putting out to pasture?

Ford's Sport Trac version of the Explorer won't net you much advantage in price or fuel efficiency compared with better options. Better options, that is, of which there are many; regardless in which segment you search.

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Alternatives: getting a life, Chevrolet Avalanche, Toyota Tacoma

Necessary Incentivizing To Switch To The Good 12 Supersize: $15,985 off the MSRP

Anything Else? To everything there is a season... and a price. The EST isn't a terrible vehicle in the sense that a Yugo was a terrible vehicle, but for $25,985 you can do better.

THE BAD 8 SUPERSIZE - Part II

BMW X6

Two vehicles, both criticized for lacking purpose and utility, and yet one appears in The Bad 8 Supersize while another performs admirably enough to make it into The Good 12 Supersize. Such a miscarriage of justice, no?

Well, it helps Infiniti's case that the FX35 and FX50 are less expensive than this, their German counterpart. More importantly, this is no wishy-washy automotive unopinionated website - this is The Good Car Guy's space. Thus, with subjectivity firmly in hand, let it be clear that the BMW looks ugly while the Infiniti looks incredible. Beholder's eye, and all that.

It hurts the X6's case that BMW's own X5 is both more handsome and more capable while still being outlandishly sporty for an SUV (excuse me, SAV) and still a BMW. The X6 isn't helped by the fact that it is, to a degree, trendier; faster; and quicker 'round corners. At GoodCarBadCar.net, the wish is for this trend to end. Develop strange concept. Jack up the ride height. Make concept bold and aggressive. Fit with hi-po V8. Strip away all potential practicality, and a seat while you're at it. Make uglier. Send to dealers. Sell to rich people too stunned to realize that money isn't something to burn on huge luxury vehicles just because their neighbours have not. Yet.

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Alternatives: Infiniti FX, BMW X5, Land Rover Range Rover Sport

Necessary Incentivizing To Switch To The Good 12 Supersize: Drop the price to X3 levels.

Anything Else? Many of us wondered what BMW was doing when they introduced the X5 and called it a SAV. BMW got that one right. Plus, it could've been worse. Check out the Hamann X6.

THE BAD 8 SUPERSIZE - Part I

BMW X3

Why does a company known as the maker of the ultimate driving machines build a vehicle that is quite a machine but also, quite a pain to drive? The X3 isn't pretty, and that doesn't help its cause. Worse, the X3 is terribly expensive; not enabling any propelling into The Good 12 Supersize. But the most offensive piece of information regarding the X3 relates to its on-road dynamics. Which are, oh Good Car Nation, terrible.

Don't bother quoting lateral grip statistics or lap times. True, people buy an X3 with the knowledge that it will be sportier than most of its counterparts, but that doesn't mean they do routine laps at the Nurburgring or find themselves outrunning ugly old domestic sedans a la Jim Rockford. "Sportier" shouldn't equal harsh or unyielding or kidney-jarring or intentionally injurious. 

Sure, other cars are loved here at GoodCarBadCar.net despite their ride. The Fiat Panda 100HP comes to mind. Little Fiats are cool, however. Besides being cheap and practical. Numerous characteristics not truthfully applied to the BMW X3.

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Alternatives: Audi Q5, Infiniti EX37, BMW 3-Series Touring

Necessary Incentivizing To Switch To The Good 12 Supersize: Free suspension retrofit from a task force of former Cadillac DeVille engineers and BMW M tacticians along with free body upgrades from Hartge.

Anything Else? Retirements happen, I know. But couldn't BMW hire back the ride & handling engineers who developed the previous-generation BMW 5-Series. The 528i/530i may've features the best ride of any car.