THE BAD 8 v2.0 - PART VIII

SAAB 9-5

Despite his status as the best basketball player of all time and the honour duly given to him by The Good Car Guy (most especially in his junior high school playing days) Michael Jordan attempted to un-retire too many times. Nobody even attempted to deny his inherent talent, his grand stature as the game's brightest light, and the fact that his first un-retirement resulted in three consecutive championships. But, imagine how we would remember MJ if he'd completed his career before the current century.

Now, the Saab 9-5 will never be recalled as the best midsize luxury sedan. It was, however, in its day, a bright shining Swedish light. Turbocharged refinement; class and charm. Still, what was once respect turns quickly into regard, then faint reminiscence, and just before the wretching; rejection. We don't want the 9-5 anymore, and despite arguments to the contrary on behalf of its power and its content, the Saab doesn't cut it in a field of candidates - both bigger and smaller - that outperform it in terms of desirability.

And guess what, Saab execs: at this price level, desirability counts for plenty.

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Alternatives: Round trip with stops in Goteburg, Stockholm, and Kiruna; Audi A4; Cadillac CTS

Necessary Incentivizing To Switch To The Good 12 v2.0: Buy 1 Saab 9-5, receive 50% off Cadillac CTS-V.

Anything Else? If General Motors has a future, or if it can sell the future of Saab to somebody else, Saab appears to have hope... at least in terms of product.

THE BAD 8 v2.0 - Part VII

PONTIAC G6 GXP COUPE

In the region surrounding the Honda Accord and Nissan Altima coupes, competition is relatively scarce. Compared with the fierce ongoing battle in the midsize sedan segment, midsize coupes are underappreciated and not all that interesting. Similar prices net far sportier (and less roomy) vehicles these days. 

Since Pontiac couldn't compete with genuinely wicked dynamics from truly sporting coupes and hatchbacks, the General Motors performance division attempted to convince you that the G6 GXP really is sporty by fitting more awkward body parts than found on a squad of high school basketball centres. You've seen the front fascia? If not, don't. It hurts. 

Enough wings, skirts, and flares show on first glance to offend any buyer interested in class or cool. The G6 GXP coupe would need to perform better than anything in its price range to justify such modification. Unfortunately for Pontiac, most if its "performance division" cred is wrapped up in the G8 and Solstice. 

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Alternatives: Subaru Impreza WRX, Volkswagen GTI, Chevrolet Cobalt SS

Necessary Incentivizing To Switch To The Good 12 v2.0: Buy 1 GXP Coupe, receive 50% off G8 GT

Anything Else? The Good Car Guy has complained about the G6 GXP coupe before, but never so formally. Pontiac renewed efforts to strip away low-class body junk like this a few years ago. They forgot about that plan.

THE BAD 8 v2.0 - Part VI

NISSAN VERSA SEDAN

Designers find it easier to make big things look good. There are times, however, when small things step in with attempts to disprove that point. But the Nissan Versa sedan isn't one of 'em. Think iPod, Mini Cooper, and The Good Car Girl.

The Bad 8 v2.0 isn't full of ugly vehicles. Ugliness could help find your car here, but throw in terrific on-road dynamics or personality and a vehicle's ticket to freedom is assured. The Versa hatchback is ugly, too, but at least there is a measure of added practicality in hatchback form. This car is not fun to drive. It's as dull as December 27th local news. Moreover, making it the cheapest car in America only serves to weaken its appeal at GoodCarBadCar.net. 

Were Nissan to engineer the Versa to drive like the Honda Fit, feel like the Toyota Yaris, excite like the Nissan Micra, or look like the Hyundai Accent hatchback, you wouldn't be reading about the Versa sedan in this place of dishonour. Instead, Nissan attempts to bore our minds and offend our eyes at the same time.

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Alternatives: Honda Fit, Hyundai Accent, Aprilia Scarabeo 200

Necessary Incentivizing To Switch To The Good 12 v2.0: Buy 1 Versa sedan, receive 1 Versa hatchback free.

Anything Else? For a company that built its North American reputation on small, Nissan's concentration on large is easily recognizable in our market - Titan, Armada, Maxima, Altima to name just four.

THE BAD 8 v2.0 - Part V

LINCOLN TOWN CAR

Your mission: with hidden camera securely fastened in order for the sales representative's fact to be clearly visible, head to your local Lincoln dealership and exclaim your lifelong enthusiasm for the Town Car. Describe how badly you want a test drive and how easily it will be for you to afford the monthly payments.

This is only your mission if you're under the age of 27, by the way. Proceed by posting the video with the salesman's shocked and disturbed facial expressions on YouTube and then leave the link in the comment section of this post. Consider yourself dared.

No other car on the market today is so closely linked with buyers over the age of 70. Only when speaking about the Town Car (and its siblings from Ford and Mercury) will you hear the figures "239" and "V8" mentioned in the same sentence. Not that we can hold that too firmly against the Lincoln Town Car. After all, Cadillac's V8 displaces the same 4.6 litres and finds itself in The Bad 8 v2.0 because of the STS's excellent available V6.

Nevertheless, one can't deny the Town Car's ability to tow 2,000 pounds, carry 900 pounds of payload or 21.1 cubic feet, and see close to 25mpg on the highway. What is undeniably just as true and far more important is the age of the Town Car's design, the availability of better vehicles in Lincoln's own showroom, and the likelihood that the vast majority of potential Lincoln Town Car buyers won't be around to see more than one additional Town Car facelift or new V8.

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Alternatives: Lincoln MKS, Chrysler 300C, Ford Flex, Hyundai Genesis

Necessary Incentivizing To Switch To The Good 12 v2.0: Buy 1 Lincoln Town Car, receive 1 Boca Raton condo free.

Anything Else? Lincoln's MKS isn't the best large luxury car available in North America, but it'll cost you thousands less and offer way more joy than the Town Car ever could.

THE BAD 8 v2.0 - Part IV

KIA AMANTI

Badge snobbery isn't what it used to be, eh? The thought of buying a Kia, in particular the upcoming Soul, doesn't frighten you and doesn't embarrass your friends. Realistically, it's possible that the ultimate badge snob now overlooks a BMW because of the "economic downturn" and how strongly that car proves his snobbish attitude.

So don't blame the Amanti's induction here to the badge on the grille. Apparently, even fast-growing brands like Kia can hit a snag and build the ugliest entry-lux/large car in the biz. Once the designers were done, the engineers didn't step in to tidy up the suspension. Body roll? You mean body rollover. The Amanti now has power, 264 horses worth, but that negatively affects weight and front-end bias. Of the 3,770 pounds present, 62% reside over the front axle. With float being the only dynamic trait concerning Kia's dynamic set-up guys, this means that during a 90-degree right-hand turn at low speed, the left-front wheel touches the pavement. No, not the tire - the wheel. Yes, I'm kidding..... but only just.

Don't buy an Amanti if you want to look cool, smart, young, hip, or sane. Car advertisers want you to believe your vehicle of choice speaks volumes about your personality. Amanti driver's personality: not cool, not smart, very old, in need of hip replacement, and quickly losing the ability to make sound decisions.

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Alternatives: Hyundai Genesis, Mazda 6, Chrysler 300

Necessary Incentivizing To Switch To The Good 12 v2.0: Buy 1 Kia Amanti, receive 1 Hyundai Genesis at a 75% discount.

Anything Else? Imagine if the cool factor of the Kia Soul could be applied to Kia's large sedan.

THE BAD 8 v2.0 - Part III

DODGE CHALLENGER SE

Speaking volumes about the most basic version of Dodge's new muscle car, the Challenger, the web page describing the four distinct models in the lineup won't load the picture of the Challenger SE... as we speak. The $22,545 SE is not only the worst-performing model in the Challenger range, it's also the most humble in appearance. Three factors contribute to what The Good Car Guy hopes will become the Challenger SE's demise.

Firstly, that which was already declared. The Challenger SE has small wheels, huge wheelwells, and bodywork that is less aggressive than that of Honda's Accord Coupe. 

More importantly, the Challenger's V6 is enough to move the car along as 250-horsepower is prone to do. But with 3,719 pounds, each horse must carry almost 15 pounds. In an Accord coupe, each of its V6-derived horses must bear just 12.7 pounds. Sure, the Accord is more expensive. That doesn't remove the embarrassment from Challenger SE owners when, at a set of traffic lights, a trio of Japanese sedan-based midsize coupes (Altima, Solara, Accord) are significantly quicker than an American nomuscle car. 

Finally, the exterior dimensions cause the Dodge Challenger SE to more naturally belong in a class with mid-90s Cadillac Coupe DeVilles and Chevrolet Monte Carlos than with a current Ford Mustang. This isn't sporty, it's touring. And the only way that's allowable in Challenger form is with substantially more than 300 horsepower and a much more aggressive design. R/T and SRT8, thankin' you.

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Altenatives: Ford Mustang, Chrysler 300, Volkswagen GTI

Necessary Incentivizing To Switch To The Good 12 v2.0: Free 6.1L Hemi in a crate, overnighted via FedEx. Secondary crate full of 20" wheels.

Anything Else? Don't get the idea that the lack of other V6 ponycars in v2.0 of The Bad 8 is to their credit. The Good Car Guy is no fan of V6 Mustangs and hated older V6 Camaros. The Challenger SE is simply the worst of the lot.

THE BAD 8 v2.0 - Part II

CHRYSLER SEBRING CONVERTIBLE

"Are is our children learning?" one not-terribly-wise man said in the recent past. If Chrysler is viewed as one of those children, then no, our children is not learning.

Last year, you see, Chrysler built this Sebring Convertible and watched as it became a part of the first Bad 8. With the Crossfire, Chrysler learned its lesson and announced that the Crossfire wouldn't continue. However, the repugnant and repulsive Sebring droptop manages to remain a part of Chrysler's stable.

School children in detention would fail to design a vehicle this revolting if they tried. Somehow, Chrysler designers who were educated to make vehicles look good designed this car. More (or less) importantly, Chrysler executives thought it was good enough for production. Yes, production. As in building the car so that people could pay over $20,000 for it at stores set up to sell it. With brochures printed and commercials televised. Does this not seem backwards? Shouldn't they have begun their efforts with something that looked worth buying?

Oh, and it sucks to drive too. It's a boat on wheels with a cheap-feeling steering wheel and just enough power to cruise obscenely on southern interstates. Let's hope the topless Sebring isn't around long enough to qualify for a third induction to The Bad 8 v3.0.

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Alternatives: Beached sperm whale, Pontiac Aztek, Ford Mustang

Necessary Incentivizing To Switch To The Good 12 v2.0: A lifetime supply of acid so at least the Sebring would be painted "pretty colours".

Anything Else? Desire ye a convertible built by Chrysler LLC? Buy a Jeep Wrangler. It can do more, you'll look cooler, and it's probably more fun to drive. 

THE BAD 8 v2.0 - PART I

CADILLAC STS V8

The STS is what you'd call Cadillac's midsize luxury sedan. At the smaller end, the CTS is shockingly good. In CTS-V format, that car even makes The Good 12 v2.0. Up above the STS in terms of size sits the DTS, a front-wheel drive luxo-barge meant for older citizens of southern Florida. In between you'll find three varieties of the STS, only one of which finds itself in The Bad 8 v2.0.

What's wrong with the V8? Well, nothing actually. The Northstar engine was one of GM's conquering moments... of the 90s. Since that point, General Motors' excellent 3.6L V6 has come along. So has the supercharged Northstar. That leaves the STS V8 just 18 horsepower up on an otherwise nearly identical car that costs $9,500 less. Sure, some options on the V6 may be standard, but essentially, this V8 is a lame duck that Cadillac has forgotten to kill.

If you really need more than the V6's 302 horsepower, you could try out the 469-horsepower STS-V. One way or another, the STS V8 is not a happy medium.

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Alternatives: Cadillac STS V6, Cadillac CTS-V, Audi A6, BMW 5-Series

Necessary Incentivizing Required To Switch To The Good 12 v2.0: Considering the STS V6's lack of Good 12 placement, who knows? Certainly, pricing in line with the V6 version would help.

Anything Else? General Motors can build luxury cars, the Cadillac SRX; Escalade; and CTS to name three. Don't hold the STS V8's pricing scheme against GM.

THE BAD 8 v2.0 & THE BAD 8 SUPERSIZE - INTRODUCTIONS

That which was written on GoodCarBadCar.net 365 days ago is not only as true this year as it was then - it's even more true. "You're less likely than ever to be stranded on the side of the highway with your new car, but you'll probably be comfortable waiting inside your automobile if indeed you do come to an unexpected stop. The car - yes, just about any new car in North America - will keep you safe in an accident and do plenty to avoid the accident in the first place. There's a good chance that same car is more fuel efficient than its equivalent ancestors, better for the environment, and more powerful," The Good Car Guy said. 

Both Consumer Reports and J.D. Power say cars are more reliable now than they were last year. The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety recommended far more cars this year than last as top safety picks. Horsepower? Still on the rise. Fuel efficiency? Contrary to societal belief, better than ever. 

So what's this all about? You've come to the right place for the second edition of The Bad 8, the first of which you can read about here. Yet this sounds like GoodCarBadCar.net is about to laud each and every automaker for their greatness, amidst great turmoil in an industry where plenty of brands are being accused of building the wrong cars. 

To put it simply, The Bad 8 v2.0 isn't full of cars like the Ladas of the '80s or the first batch of Korean cars to hit North America. There is no Ford Probe here. Nah, these are the cars that that The Good Car Guy wishes you'll avoid for a variety of reasons. Boredom, ugliness, wretched vehicle dynamics.... it can be anything. Most importantly, terrible reliability isn't the only point of entry. Some unreliable vehicles remain desirable. The cars coming up in The Bad 8 v2.0 and the first Bad 8 Supersize are here because they aren't worth their MSRP, and paying the sticker price on these vehicles ought to embarrass you greatly.

Over the next week or so, you'll see vehicles appear on GoodCarBadCar.net from the "car" and SUV/van/truck categories in the regular Bad 8 and Bad 8 Supersize, respectively. They'll be roundly mocked, razzed, insulted, and generally made to appear as vehicles that should never have been birthed. The price of entry must be under $72,000 USD and these vehicles must be on sale by January 1st in North America. Only new or significantly revised vehicles are eligible. If they weren't bad enough to make it last year, they shouldn't be forced to be mocked this year. Vehicles that were on the list last year in the first ever Bad 8 may make the unfortunate cut again. On the other hand, if badness was reinvented over the last year, some of last year's Bad 8 may gain reprieve.